BOARD EXAM TOMORROW!!

All my dental hygiene education comes down to this day - a little scary, but definitely doable. I'm trying not to stress out, at this point you either know the info or you don't. I found from doing the practice questions that I should imagine each question begins with the phrase "In a perfect world..." They don't seem to include any practical answers (ie. a patient will be able to tell when the bleeding points in their mouth are reduced by 50%, a patient can preform at home sub g irrigation... yeah, right) At this point I just want the whole stupid thing to be over with...although i have to wait 2-6weeks for my results (gross).

I'm going to go some suitable veging out...watch an unintelligent movie and fall asleep.

-sarah 9:20 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.dream scene

I haven't been able to have a decent sleep in several days and I can't quite figure out why. Every time I try to fall asleep, my mind just goes crazy with random thoughts. Usually reading brings my train of consciousness down to a manageable level, but it hasn't been working lately. I'm not sure if this is partially from reading a mind-expanding Gibson novel before bed or if I am just not getting enough intellectual stimulation during the day. I also have been having convoluted and all-consuming dreams that dredge up strange feelings and thoughts. Perhaps I'm interrupting my sleep cycle at some inopportune time? Tonight I will try a couple things to remedy this situation... go to bed early (no facebook past 10pm), take some melatonin, no late night snack. Either that or go dancing until physical exhaustion is reached... it worked like a charm last thursday.

bleh, might as well get up and do some stretches rather than mope around in bed

-sarah 6:49 AM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

This is the Orientation video from last September... i worked really hard editing and putting it all together. Having the right soundtrack can make a huge difference!!

-sarah 3:04 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

Schools out...FOREVER (?!)

I have finished all exams and courses for dental hygiene...so far it's weird
I have more board exam coming up on May 20 still, so I'm not out of the woods quite yet. Also I have spring courses starting next week to complete my degree. I am not to worried about these courses because I have between 1-5 courses per semester (versus 9-11)
I also get to take Yoga 300 as my 300 level optional - i'm pretty excited about it actually.

In a nutshell, everything is progressing fairly smoothly. I have a job lined up at a fabulous clinic in the West end. They are almost as excited as I am to have me work there. Grad is this weekend at the beautiful Hotel Macdonald. I'm planning a 1940s inspired look - think dita von teese. I have a wonderful penpal (who is also my hero for undertaking a 3month motorcycle road trip) that I am really looking forward to meeting/hanging out with in person.

in fact he just text messaged me ^o^

anyways...as i was saying, I don't want to become infatuated with this individual, but they are giving me a hard time of it. He gets me...that i'm intelligent and weird and a little kooky. And as far as I can tell, he really likes it.
Tanya told me that I "Fall in love with being in love" instead of falling in love with the actual person. I think that, to some degree, she is right. I just need to be myself and try not to let my imagination get ahead of me (much more challenging than it sounds).

I am having some issues with self image lately too... while i feel that my self confidence has greatly improved, i'm still feeling pressure to be thin. I need to work on accepting that looking thin has absolutely no benefit for me ... where as feeling healthy and being healthy should have a much greater importance. I am a curvy girl and that is not going to change - it actually works as a really good thing when it comes to flamenco and belly dance.

Speaking of dance...i'm going to invest more time into flamenco and belly dancing starting immediately. I met the leader of Vibe Tribe and we are going to get together to create some true belly dance/flamenco fusion -excitement ^o^ Vibe tribe is tres awesome - i have seen one black light belly dance performance that was incredible. Also I was asked to perform/coordinate a workshop at North Country Fair - which is also very exciting. It's nice to have time to devote to dance again

Hmms well i'm going to go read William Gibson's latest book for a bit...Spook Country has been sitting by my bed since October and Iam DETERMINED to finish it !!
zoenen zoenen

-sarah 7:10 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.in a blink of the eye

School is racing along... i went on rotation (it was a blast!!) and now i'm in the middle of paper/project land. The end is in sight tho

I think I have figured out that I don't really want a relationship right now
...i have been having these strange urges to call Richie tho - i believe i want some kind of resolution but i can't see it ending very nicely, so i'm resisting this random feeling

Spent most of the weekend with Nadia...we have a really interesting chemistry together
I think that we could have some crazy adventures, but I won't force anything. I know she is a free spirit and to try and trap her would be like trying to change part of what makes her wonderful. I am thankful for the time we have spent together thus far and if anything will remember those memories with great fondness.

I am finishing up the last bit of my requirements for clinic...i think i might be cutting it a little close with finishing my last class II competency, but I will finish!! Grad is also coming up soon- i need to figure out what I want to wear ... I've invited Auntie Amaal, Dr. H and Mom...i think Jaxx may come as my date ^o^

ahhh well homework calls

ps. Spiderwick was a disappointment!

-sarah 5:22 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.humble, jumble, bumble

What a crazy weekend - pretty busy and very social (weird O_o lol )

Went to New City again but this time with Dave - dancing with him is very exhilarating. Usually dancing 'with' someone to electronica involves dancing next to them with minimal interaction...and usually i don't mind this because i do my own thing (in fact i like lots of space)
When I dance with Dave it is an intertwining of styles - very fun ^o^ lots more challenging as well because you have to keep a close eye on the other person's actions and non verbally communicate to avoid smashing into each other, lol.

Also got to spend some time with Jaxx and Justin - i love those two to pieces and I know they love me right back *grin. I'm so happy that they are getting married - they are the cutest couple ever with just the right balance of sense and sensibility.

As for my own relationship issues...i think i make more problems for myself than anyone else. My lack of trust keeps coming up - I alternately feel ridiculously paranoid and guilty. I keep feeling like Chris won't actually come see me this weekend...which even i realise is illogical. I think i'm just super afraid of rejection and disappointment from someone i actually have some feelings for. It's sort of driving me crazy O_o I can't decide if i'm excited or sad or both...i start planning for next weekend and then get upset and stop *gah

RECALL: no matter what happens, i will be ok!

i don't want Chris to be just another one of "those guys" that didn't work out (or in this case, ever get a chance to work out). We had such an unbelievably good time together when he was here - i don't feel like i have to explain myself around him and that is something that really is quite rare.

I suppose we will have to wait and see how this all plays out...at least it's more fun to think about than my broken car or crazy father, lol

-sarah 9:58 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.catch and release

what a whirlwind day! Lots of ups, downs, inbetweens and ???

[nutshell]
I had a full morning of lectures and then got some pretty snazzy grad photos taken only to lose my stupid car keys and then proceed to play ROCKBAND.

I talked to Chris today - he's been more attentive/i've been less paranoid (?) My trust capabilities are virtually non existent at the moment... i keep feeling like i'm just going to be massively screwed over.

I guess I just have to remember one of my new fave mantras
"No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay."

That combined with a whole bunch of really positive thoughts (I love myself!! Lots!!) can do wonders when I'm feeling bummed out. I've also begin to better understand that what you put out to the world comes back to you - only intensified... so if i'm feeling upset, thinking happy, positive, and calming things are much more logical than a gloom and doom , self pitying attitude ^o^

Although I haven't figured out where venting fits in, lol.
(because i need some of that right about now)

Richie really has pulled his last string - I had thought that it maybe would work out someday with him, but this time he really has gone too far.
Not only did he cheat on me twice ...he thought that girl was pregnant. To make himself feel better he treated me like crap and told me I was manipulative, controlling etc.

but that's all old news...basically he tried to blackmail me into seeing him using my student loan info. NO ONE threatens my school (which is basically my life right now) and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE who actually CARES about me would EVER stoop so frickin LOW.

does it make sense to stay with someone who feels better by making you feel bad?
of course not

God knows i still miss him, that i still feel like calling him and trying again to make things better - but it simply will not work. I think I miss the old Richie - the one who smiled when i did something ridiculous, who wanted to work as a team to conquer the world...the richie i understood and trusted. I don't think there is anything left of that person and that's what makes me the saddest. That wonderful amazing person has changed - just as he said he was - and there is someone who is a lot more harsh in his place.

I feel like I want to hate him, but the second last thing he needs is more hate. And the very last thing he needs is me. I somehow add fuel to his angry fires...i don't even know how to talk to him anymore and I certainly don't understand him any more either.

'...and it hurts with every heartbeat. But I don't look back'
Onwards and upwards, deeper and deeper

-sarah 11:35 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.back in school rule

this is absolutely ridiculous...after only three days of classes i should not be so tired!
ah well, it is nice to be getting back into the swing of things- i miss seeing my patients

New years was pretty exciting - I rocked the psycho ballerina outfit (despite the human sauna created in the club house) I also saw Nadia again - we picked up where we stopped last year and it was definitely delicious... why do i keep developing crushes on people from calgary??
Unfortunately i feel sort of confused about where I stand with either of them...i never really have been one to sit back and just let things happen (although i should work on that...just be!)

Jaxx got engaged during her trip to mexico ^o^ I'm so excited for her and Justin! I believe they are getting married sometime in august...this means i get to be a fabulous bridesmaid/wedding planning assistant! Sooo fun to help out with event coordinating - i really should open my own catering/wedding planning company someday *g

i think i need to cut myself off from crackbook for the night and get some sleep tho *zzzz

-sarah 11:00 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

.tres dangerous

Here we are on Christmas Eve Eve...the presents are all wrapped, cookies baked and tree decorated.

I just spent a day and a bit with Loki and have come to a dangerous realisation...i have a crush

Now this may sound ridiculous, but I haven't felt this way for a long time. It also showed me that up to now, all of my antics with other boys have been near meaningless. I was playing some kind of subconscious cat and mouse to get attention. Perhaps this assessment is a little harsh tho...after all, how could I find out if I do or don't have feelings for another without spending time with them?

Then there is the whole issue of Starra- i'm feeling even more confused about my feelings for her. Then again, she has a boyfriend...

I do know that I had a fantastic time with Loki - we ate sushi, visited candy cane lane, went bowling, watched a movie, viewed an art gallery, went dancing, shopping and spent the night together cuddling. He even met my entire family.

The thing that gets me is how easily we mesh together - I feel like i've known him for a lot longer than a couple weeks.

He also hit my sweet'n'tender weak spot - "don't be surprised if you wake up tomorrow and find an engagement ring in your cereal"

*melt, melt, melt

I know he's just saying that, but it's getting to me anyways

I think the biggest thing is that I have a really hard time trusting anyone right now - Richie and I did a proper job of removing my ability to trust men.

I think I just need to try and chill out a bit...Loki might be moving here, but we are both going to be busy for the next couple weeks at least.

It still would be nice if he came to new years...

-sarah 10:19 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

I hate waiting!!

My very last exam is my radiology practical and I'm stuck here for another hour until it even starts! BLARGHH- i just want it to be over!!

On another happier note - I GET TO DANCE TO THE SWEET SOUNDS OF DANKSOUL TONIGHT!!

ooh excited... I missed out on Brisco and Dane because I didn't go to the last GOMP party. Now, with exams over with and no immediately lurking deadlines I can go and dance to my heart's content!

On top of that I got some fantabulous boots yesterday which will be splendid to ROCK OUT in!

*yayay ^o^

Other than that I plan to SLEEP a lot during the weekend - I have been working on a serious deficit here and need to catch up.

One of the things that might tempt me to remove myself from my bed is Dylan's craft show on Saturday morning - he has so many tres cool creations that would be good Christmas gifts (or gifts to myself for finishing exams lol)

In fact, I still have to do all of my Christmas shopping - as any mention of christmas before exams made me depressed (because it reminded me of them!)

Can you believe I haven't even set up the Christmas tree yet?!!

Usually I have it up on Nov. 1 and enjoy it for many weeks...hmmm another task for this weekend i think!

Well T- 2.5 hours until i'm looking like this <3

-sarah 11:50 AM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]