Today i believe i will just wear a great big fake smile on my face. Doing that will allow me to avoid an unceasing chorus of "are you ok?" "what's wrong?" and "are you mad at me?" from steve. Even if i tell him the truth (which is "no actually i'm feeling quite crapy" "lesley" and "no" respectively) he won't stop asking. So i resort to somthing i thought i gave up a long time ago...covering up how i really feel.
Yesterday was lots of fun, i saw my mom (alrite so maybe that wasn't the best part) and she got me some shoes. I also saw Charrie but she was being a brat (i still love her to death). Steve got out of work and i picked him up, he had a shower and we went to the mall. We left the mall w/ pants, shorts, a hoodie and 2 shirts for him and two skirts, two shirts and a thingy w/ strawberry lipgloss for me. Went home, changed again, went to Chiantis w/ Lesley and Shawn. Had sum good food and awsome chocolate mousse. Went to see American Wedding *its absolutley hilarious* Drove Shawn home, drove Lesley home, went home with a bad stomach ache then fell asleep. Had some teriibly fucked up dreams...roller coasters w/ Brett, hair termites, strange midway rides...
Sounds great, huh. In fact it was great. I figured, yes i can deal with this. There is nothing between me and lesley. She's goin out w/ Shawn, I'm goin out w/ Steve and every one is happy and peachy keen. But no, thats just not the way i fucking feel. The catch is i really can't say how i feel because i don't really knoe. Fuck, i'll jus write later...too tired now.

-sarah 10:16 AM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

Ahhhh, i love jem and the holograms! heh yes good ol' moralistic cartoons from the 80's. So today i went to Heritage days w/ steve and guess who i saw?! Lesley and Brett!! i wuz a little suprised at first, but hey after our conversation last nite it should have been expected. I hate to say it but heritage days BIT THE BIG ONE this year. Yes Iberu american, spain, holland and many many more pavillions were absent. On top of that, i didn't get to dance because of Sylvia's untimely move to Spain. I saw Arthur (that boy keeps turning up!! argh!) and he actually said hello. Hmm i think the best things from hdayz this year (besides being there w/ steve) was getting henna and a mango on a stick. That thing had so much freakin cayine pepper on it my mouth was burning for 15min after!! I feel as though i need to adress last nites happenings, even if they may be considered insignificant. While watching "Boondock saints" i just couldn't handle the not knowing for one second more, i just ran out of the room and sought refuge on the balcony. It was very strange, because i just felt overwhelmed and foolish. Steve eventually found me and figured somthing was wrong. He figured i should just talk to her but then i went to the bathroom because i still felt that sayin somthing to her would put her in an unfair situation. Well she figured somthing was obviously wrong and in turn found me crying, which made her worry even more. It all came out in the end that I was just was really frustrated and confused about things between us, and i learned of the cheating is cheating thing. Christ. I really don't know where that leaves me now. I suppose i should just cool my heels and calm down. She's leaving for BC soon anyways. I think steve is learning to give me some space, which helps. He's staying over the nite, so i'm off to bed (no, not in the sexual way, well maybe...hehe) gnite all my nonexistent readers!!

-sarah 11:37 PM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]

I don't know where to begin. How can one start when they do not understand the difference from beginning or end ? I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of the unknown. hmm, isn't it great to exaggerate...make myself seem like some great tragic mess. Thats when i realise once again the paradox. What i am experiencing is simply petty crap, "oh, boo hoo, your confused about your relationships and sexual orientation?" While others are beaten to death, raped, tortured for unfathomable political or religous reasons, their lives dwindling away from disease and famine. Relationship problems? Well they may seem insignificant, but all those "real" tragedies don't make me feel any better. As selfish as it is, i hold more importance on my petty problems then on the milllions of starving children. I was asked recently, what could I do about all this? What could I, a single insignificant being do about al these problems? Right now i can't really do anything, and as much as i hate the futility of feeling like that, all i can really do is get good marks. If i get good enough marks to get into medical school, and from then on (if i was really good) become a specialist in heart surgery, I could eventually move to Iraq. My dad initially proposed the idea, but i believe that is really what i want to do. After all i have 50% iraqi blood in me, why not go there, Saddam is practically exiled...

In any case, if i want to get that far, i need to live through the present. As hard or confusing it may or may not be. Cheating is Cheating is Cheating. Shawn came to that conclusion and i'm afraid steve will too. I still am confused about certain ppl and our relationships, after all i would kill myself before i ruined a friendship that has outlasted many many others. Well at least we're still allowed to hug...

-sarah 10:03 AM

[ some words i dont wish to say but i know u can feel it ]