I wonder what it would sound like to hear myself think...perhaps an incessant ticking that would eventually drive me insane or maybe a discreet whirring... a sound easily forgotten.
On and on, awake, asleep...i suppose it is only natural that one would begin wishing for an escape. To simply stop thinking. Oh sure, everyone's heard of those zen masters that can do it, but you don't really know if they are doing it anyways and it is supposed to take many years to achieve.
Sometimes I feel like death is rushing towards me. Like there is no time for anything short of reproduction. Take away all our fancy devices and we only want to pass on our genes.
At the polar extreme is my morbid imagination. I wonder if it is the same for everyone, after all it's not really a common conversational subject. "Hello, my name is Sarah and I dream of dying on a daily basis." Hardly socially acceptable material. Although I suppose dream isn't the correct term. More accurately I have a run-away imagination. Example: I'm driving and the front tires skid a little bit. In less than a minute I've already imagined the crash, my comatose form in a hospital room, and Tanya artfully sobbing at my funeral. Sick? Very. I don't consciously bring up these thoughts. Instead the half-formed images bubble up like fragments of a forgotten nightmare.
I can't stop these kind of thoughts. They get to their worst when I'm alone...every shadow is a killer that has already buried my body, every noise a demon that has come to claim another tiny piece of my sanity.
I suppose that this is partly why I love music and dancing so much. They focus your thoughts on the pattern of the music and movement, leaving no room for anything else. Following behind music is sex and then video games then reading and so on. Each a distraction from unpleasant and unwanted musings.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm tricking everyone into thinking I'm a nice and caring person. I feel as if a dark thing is lurking just around every corner, laughing and taunting me with it's knowledge. It knows what I really am because it is that part of me...and all I can consciously do is half-heartedly chase after it, scared by what I might find. What I might really be.
(You must forgive the unfocused form of this post. Each idea is hammering on the inside of my skull, clamoring to be let out first)
Is this insanity? Or am I just trying to proclaim my individuality? "I'm crazier than all of you...when I stare at the ceiling it flows and slides like lava" Really.
I'm out of words for the moment...but be assured, they will return.
-sarah
[credits]
x[kynz]x
x[baby n cweety]x
x[brushes]x
05/18/2003 - 05/25/2003
06/22/2003 - 06/29/2003
06/29/2003 - 07/06/2003
07/06/2003 - 07/13/2003
07/20/2003 - 07/27/2003
07/27/2003 - 08/03/2003
08/03/2003 - 08/10/2003
08/10/2003 - 08/17/2003
08/17/2003 - 08/24/2003
08/24/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/14/2003 - 09/21/2003
10/05/2003 - 10/12/2003
10/12/2003 - 10/19/2003
10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003
11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003
11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003
11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003
12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003
12/21/2003 - 12/28/2003
01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004
01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004
01/18/2004 - 01/25/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004
02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004
03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004
04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004
06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004
07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004
07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004
08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004
08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004
09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004
09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004
10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004
10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004
10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004
10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004
10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004
11/21/2004 - 11/28/2004
12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004
12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005
01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005
01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005
02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005
02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005
02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005
03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005
03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005
03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005
04/03/2005 - 04/10/2005
04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005
04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005
04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005
06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005
06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005
06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005
07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005
08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005
08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005
09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005
09/11/2005 - 09/18/2005
09/18/2005 - 09/25/2005
09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005
10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005
10/23/2005 - 10/30/2005
10/30/2005 - 11/06/2005
11/13/2005 - 11/20/2005
11/20/2005 - 11/27/2005
11/27/2005 - 12/04/2005
12/04/2005 - 12/11/2005
12/11/2005 - 12/18/2005
12/18/2005 - 12/25/2005
01/01/2006 - 01/08/2006
01/29/2006 - 02/05/2006
02/26/2006 - 03/05/2006
03/12/2006 - 03/19/2006
03/19/2006 - 03/26/2006
04/09/2006 - 04/16/2006
04/16/2006 - 04/23/2006
05/14/2006 - 05/21/2006
05/21/2006 - 05/28/2006
05/28/2006 - 06/04/2006
06/11/2006 - 06/18/2006
06/18/2006 - 06/25/2006
06/25/2006 - 07/02/2006
07/02/2006 - 07/09/2006
07/09/2006 - 07/16/2006
07/16/2006 - 07/23/2006
07/30/2006 - 08/06/2006
11/19/2006 - 11/26/2006
11/26/2006 - 12/03/2006
12/03/2006 - 12/10/2006
12/10/2006 - 12/17/2006
12/24/2006 - 12/31/2006
01/14/2007 - 01/21/2007
02/11/2007 - 02/18/2007
02/25/2007 - 03/04/2007
03/04/2007 - 03/11/2007
03/11/2007 - 03/18/2007
04/15/2007 - 04/22/2007
04/29/2007 - 05/06/2007
06/03/2007 - 06/10/2007
06/17/2007 - 06/24/2007
07/22/2007 - 07/29/2007
09/23/2007 - 09/30/2007
09/30/2007 - 10/07/2007
10/07/2007 - 10/14/2007
12/09/2007 - 12/16/2007
12/23/2007 - 12/30/2007
12/30/2007 - 01/06/2008
01/06/2008 - 01/13/2008
01/20/2008 - 01/27/2008
03/16/2008 - 03/23/2008
04/27/2008 - 05/04/2008
05/18/2008 - 05/25/2008
