it's funny how hard i pushed away all the things i needed
Me and richie are trying to work it out, and it's been going wonderfully, joyfully, painfully well.
I found out on NYE that he hooked up with some other girl (oh yes, his "new sub") and i went crazy.
and not in my usual happy/fun/hyper way, but rather a hysterical and unthinking crazy. I saw some things i really did not want to see, but in the end i came to a painful realization that i simply can not live without him. As much as i tried to make him hate me, to push him away and out of my heart, it didn't work. Mind you, there were serious problems between us. And as usual i tried to run away from them to stop myself from feeling hurt any longer. i tried to take the easy route once, but now i realize that way will never allow me to be healthy or happy. i would just keep running and running and running from one person to the next until i can't run anymore and there is no one left around me. they say that scar tissue is a lot stronger than it's predecessor.
he is the most beautiful thing in my life
i feel so indescribably lucky that we have found each other, i will not throw away this chance. i still don't understand my self destructive actions, but i'm trying to work it out. Who knows, maybe i have some weird anxiety-bipolar hybrid going on, lol.
in any case, i still have to find a way to cope with my disgusting amount of classes (11 this semester). Right now i'm trying to get this infuriatingly stupid program to work for one particularly annoying class; intd410. *glares menacingly at computer
at least i do have lovely little day dreams (nothing so vulgar as fantasies of course) of Nadia to resort too...an absolutely amazing girl i met from calgary. For-a-fee's minimal set and Nadia were the highlights to an otherwise disastrous nye. oh and my lipservice dress, it's so pretty and PVC *g
well it looks like this stupid thing is not going to work anytime soon so i might as well get to bed. Richie kept me up last night...it was so cute we slept over at my house 2x this weekend...needless to say my family rolled out the welcome back wagon in full force, lol. Even buster was ecstatic...
-sarah
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